We're raising twins, and learning each step of the way.
A twins blog with parenting tips, stories from the NICU, book reviews, product reports and other fun from two working parents of multiples.
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Boys, you are on the move!
It’s Labor Day weekend and you have been busy. Saturday brought three face plants for you, Finn, as you took a few attempts at crawling. Luca, you had something between an army crawl and a tripod crawl with one knee-to-leg extension to scoot you down the hall. This has been so exciting since you’ve been on the verge of crawling for almost two months.
Today brought a face plant for you, Luca, and one more for Finn. After a quick trip to urgent care to make sure that the gurgling congestion was still just allergies, Dad took over so I could grab a quick nap. Just before falling asleep I heard Dad’s proud discovery. Finn, Dad found you sitting up and you’d made it there all on your own; your very first of the firsts you and Luca have been working on. I saw you almost make it there, again, tonight as you played on the bathroom floor.
You both have had snot dripping from your noses for days, even with the Zyrtec the pediatrician prescribed for your allergies. Today, you both turned a corner with your moods and were so full of smiles and laughter that you managed to squeeze an extra hour out of me before bed. And, I can’t wait for you to be up in the morning so I can see your smiles, again! Thank you both for a glorious end to a day. If I didn’t think it would wake you I’d run in and kiss you all over, right now.
Love, mama.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: a concept I associate with victims of crimes or veterans of wars, not parents of preemies. But after reading an article in the New York Times, “For Parents on NICU, Trauma May Last,” it’s clear that PTSD, and the awareness of its prevalence in parents with experiences with the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (”NICU”), is key for parents of preemies.
I’ll never forget the unbelievable cocktail of emotions on the day our twins were born. Seeing them emerge, touching them for first time, and then watching the ventilators and symphony of sensors and other machines surround their precarious existence, I bounced back and forth between joy unlike I had ever experienced and a primal sense of dread and foreboding as I grasped for every possible action I could take to ensure their survival.
In the weeks that passed, the range of emotions continued as we celebrated each milestone in their development, and weathered set backs and false-positives of tests. Looking back, we’re oddly grateful for our NICU experience, both from the parenting skills we learned and the teamwork we practiced as a family. And yet, there’s no denying: the NICU takes a toll, no matter what the outcome.
The story’s profiled parent, Kim Roscoe, relates, “The NICU was very much like a war zone, with the alarms, the noises, and death and sickness. You don’t know who’s going to die and who will go home healthy.”
One of the most painful moments in my life was walking out of the hospital with Luca, celebrating his release, while feeling like I was abandoning Finnegan, who would remain in the NICU for a few more weeks before being released after another surgery and more ups and downs. When we finally had both of them home together, it felt we had been airlifted out of what was indeed a combat zone. Six months later, it seems like an eternity since our daily NICU watch caring for our little preemies while the monitors beeped incessantly around us.
As mentioned in the story, the March of Dimes runs a support community. “The most critical piece is to help prepare someone so they know what to expect and don’t fall into a world of frightening unknowns,” according to the March of Dimes’ family support director Liza Cooper.
That sharing of stories was the major motivator for us starting the Growing Twins blog, and writing posts such as this one is cathartic. Recently, a friend of ours gave birth to a baby girl nine weeks early, the same as when our twins were born (see: “This Week’s Walk Down Memory Lane.”) Through supporting her and her husband, we’ve been able to look back at our experience with fresh eyes, and are grateful for the chance to keep them both focused on the light at the end of the tunnel: bringing their preemie home from the NICU.
Are there long term impacts to us as parents as a result of our NICU experience? As a couple? As a family? To be sure, our twin boys are healthy and on track with their development, with no signs of long-term issues. But I still catch myself doubting my confidence and how I relate to each boy as an individual. I worry about over compensating as a parent, feeling like I need to protect them more than other parents because of their preemie history. But as one of our NICU nurses told me one day when I was particularly down facing what seemed like an ever-moving goal line of getting Finnegan home in the face of complications: “hey, he’s already forgotten all of this. You need to move past this as well.”
Easier said than done.
A New York Times op-ed this weekend, “How to Lick a Slug”, serves as inspiration and motivation that the little steps I’m taking to get our twins outside early, is building a habit for myself and our family to always seek rejuvenation and wonder from the natural world.
Living in northern Nevada, we’re fond of citing the proximity to outdoor recreation and some of the most beautiful places on the planet, Lake Tahoe, the Black Rock Desert, the eastern Sierra, etc. All too easy, however, is forgetting to routinely drink from these wells here in our urban day-to-day existence. Joking with a friend the other day about my plans for taking care of our twin 8-month old babies the other weekend while mom was in California enjoying a much deserved weekend of r and r, I made the comment that “I might as well take them on a mini road trip- just as much effort to take care of them while traveling as it is to sit at home.”
Well, that’s not exactly true, but spending time with our twin boys for me has gotten me back into running regularly for exercise, as we recently picked up a second-hand jogging stroller, an InStep Safari Swivel Double Jogging Stroller
Nicholas Kristof speaks of time away from the modern world “fretting instead about blisters, river crossings and rain, and the experiences offer us lessons on inner peace and life’s meaning.” Well I can’t say the boys Tahoe trip was a philosophical breakthrough, but it was a start. Listening to the waves, putting feet into cold, clear water, and feeling the hot sun accompanied by a cool mountain breeze- just the ticket to a start of a life properly spent outdoors for our twins.
A friend of ours was struck with preeclampsia earlier this week. The doctors were able to get her blood pressure down with magnesium sulfate (which I had after delivery for preeclampsia, as well) which bought them enough time to get her two steroid shots to boost the surfactant in her baby girl’s lungs. Her little sweetheart was born this afternoon at 30 weeks and 6 days. Mom and baby are both doing well.
Watching her go through all this has been amazing, scary, and cathartic for me. My husband and I were lucky with our early pregnancy. We knew months in advance that our boys would be early because they were discordant. When I was admitted to the hospital on bed rest at 27 weeks my doctor said she’d be happy if I made it to 28 weeks. I held on until 30 weeks and 5 days (yes, almost exact to my friend’s pregnancy). In the months leading up to being admitted we had been on an emotional roller coaster ride of test after test. We had plenty of time and practice at preparing ourselves for our NICU babies. I’d read up on pumping to produce milk before the babies could be at breast. We had a stock of preemie clothes from both grandparents. We were halfway through our prepared childbirth classes and had tours of both hospitals’ NICUs. I’d even read a book on C-sections that was so scary (because it detailed every complication that might lead to a section) that I won’t recommend it to friends.
One can never be ready for what lies ahead for a preemie baby. But, knowing our boys would be early seems to have lessened our hardship tremendously. Of the 10 or more stories I’ve heard personally, I don’t know anyone else who knew their twins or singleton would arrive as early as they did (normal 3-4 week early twins aside).
My friend, the new mama, has seen many photos of our boys’ days in the NICU and read our other blog posts but we’re behind on telling many stories. I wanted her and her husband to be as prepared as I could lend them a hand to be. I shared with them what they could expect for the C-section and the first moments in the NICU – papa alone (mama in post-op) with his new tiny baby, being asked to sign papers while neonatal nurses, respitory therapists, and the neonatologist stabilize his fragile little girl. I can only imagine what it was like for David – I watched these vulnerable moments of a few dads in the NICU. Now, I’m trying to coach my friend through the first fumbling trials of pumping her milk.
Today, the NICU journey starts for our friends. There are the obvious reasons one doesn’t want to have that experience but we’ve gained a number of benefits from our time in the NICU. I just need to take the time to share all the stories. So, I’ll do what I can to get them out here; little by little with hopes that someone else may gain some peace in their own process of becoming a NICU parent.
Here’s to the new parents and their new baby girl. We love you and are so happy that everyone is healthy and safe. Welcome to the wild and wonderous ride of parenting.
Finn and Luca are six months old today!
We all want to say thank you for your support and well wishes that have kept us going. The boys are doing great and are growing like weeds. They are both rolling over now and talking and laughing, a lot! We couldn’t be happier.
Birth stats:
Finn 2 lbs 4 oz, 14.5 inches
Luca 3 lbs 8 oz, 16 inches
Current stats:
Finn 11 lbs 8 oz, 23.5 inches
Luca 12 lbs 10 oz, 24.5 inches
Photos : Finn on left and Luca on right in all but the bottom left
Dear Finn and Luca,
You just turned four months old, two months “corrected”
age for gestation. You’ve been in our lives for four months so we’ll go with four. Finnegan, you just became an oxygen free man two weeks ago and have done nothing but grow since then. You both have been chatting us up for about a month and smiling and responding to our goofy expressions and oogling. We like to play a game of cheek, cheek, chin, and nose, poking each part and a lite sweep of your noses at the end always gets a smile. Luca, you just noticed your brother a few days ago when he was crying. You looked at him and started to talk to him. It was so amazing. Do it again, k?
You are both pretty much “sleeping through the night” at six and seven hour stretches. Although, you’ve both been having gas pains around 3:30am. I can’t wait for this to pass – your pediatrician says it will.
I had to go back to work after five months – one in the hospital on bed rest, then recovery, and your care. It has been nice to get back to work and amazing what I still remember, as though I’d only been gone a week. Today, the sleepiness set in and I only wanted to be home snuggling with you two. The first day I came home from work, Luca, you let me know you weren’t too happy I had been gone by starting up some fake cries when I said hello to you. You are both trying the fake cries with us occasionally and we are only a little sorry that it makes us laugh. Granny Sue is Nanny Sue right now and we are working on hiring a full time nanny. I’m a bit scared to leave you little men with a new person. It’s so hard to know you’ll be learning and growing under someone else’s care and not mine. But, we’ll catch up and make trouble every night when I get home. Promise!
I’m sitting in my grandmother’s glider rocker with Finnegan on my chest, trying to comfort some of his gas pains. Finn has now been home for six days (he came home on their due date), Luca for 25. I can hardly believe I’ve had a baby at home for almost a month. The growth during that month has been amazing and I’m lucky enough to get to experience it once again. Everything was so new with Luca and flew by so quickly that I feel I missed some things but am now seeing that I didn’t. As I witness Finn go through the same changes I am reminded of the same proud moments with Luca.
Yesterday was a day filled with a number of those milestones. In the late afternoon, just before a feeding, Finn showed signs of being really aware of his world. He focused for a few moments on the mobile hanging over the crib and then continued to circle his gaze around the room, stopping to see me, see Luca, and look out the window. His arms were outside of his tightly swaddled blanket and they explored the air while his eyes searched the room. I took advantage of this aware time to try him at breast. We’ve had success a few times but he wears out quickly. After a quick latch he steadied through twenty five minutes with no problems. Then, instead of zonking out he hung out with me through to the next feeding, three hours away, with only a couple five minute power naps. So, we breastfed again. Another success.
When I picked him up a few moments ago he had just woken into a cry that looked like a result of gas pain. As I held him close he settled a little, and after a few moments on my warm chest, he settled a little more. I don’t remember specifically when Luca had the same reaction to mom’s care but now that I see that moment of change with Finn I can remember the feeling with Luca. That feeling that I matter enough to calm them. That mom’s care and cuddle are what matters. Just like what I remember as a child and still count on today, with my mom. That no matter how bad I feel a hug from mom or a call to mom can make everything better.
Snow Day
Posted on December 7th, 2009
A Weekend of Face Plants
Posted on September 6th, 2009
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the NICU
Posted on August 26th, 2009
Get Your Twins Outdoors!
Posted on August 3rd, 2009
Happy 6M Birthday!
Posted on May 29th, 2009
4 Months, Give or Take a Week
Posted on April 13th, 2009
Feeling Like a Mama
Posted on February 8th, 2009
Twin Dreams
Posted on January 20th, 2009
The Cycle Continues: a Letter from Grandpa
Posted on January 18th, 2009
“Luca, meet Maggie. Maggie, meet Luca”
Posted on January 17th, 2009
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